Now that I have turned 80 and my birthday has passed, I’m over the hill that I created in my mind. The hill was making it to this age. Now that I am here, I’m reminded of an old campfire song, “The bear went over the mountain…” to see what he could see” and “‘The other side of the mountain was all that he could see.” Children’s songs are so wise—I can see, feel, hear, and relate to this moment. Turning 80 marks a crest of a period of my life and is significant as I have now lived longer than both my parents. This continues to surprise me. I have been blessed to live this long “to see what I can see.” How wonderful! I like acknowledging the mountain and appreciate the entire range of which it is a part. More than ever, I give thanks to my friends and colleagues and my dear family who are a part of me and form the mountain range. I feel the challenge of these later years, and it is an adventure.
Recently I have been bringing mindfulness to a continuing care community. I have a T-shirt that says, I can’t believe I’m the same age as these old people. I laughed when I saw the T-shirt and wore it when exercising, separating myself from these “old people.” Pure delusion. I am only now able to recognize my own internal ageism. I didn’t like it when the head of wellness at the community who hired me to teach mindfulness said, “You’ll fit right in .” I liked it less as I realized that it was true. I liked it more when the group and I could laugh together with understanding and empathy as I discovered that I couldn’t run around the room as I used to and needed to use my walking poles to walk straight and be balanced. My days of wearing high heel shoes were over. When I described needing to ‘let go’ of this desire, let go of vanity and wear flats with the fancy long dress I bought for an upcoming wedding, everyone was sympathetic and understood.
“To see what I can see.”
What can I see? It is time to really let go, not only clean out my closet but old ways of thinking. The stories I carried from my mother into adulthood no longer made sense. I realized they were often based on fear, her fears for me but not really mine. This created anxiety and impeded creativity. Feeling not good enough. Enough! Enough already. So when a few friends came over to the house, I had us choose two rocks from the yard. One represented what we’d like to release from our repertory of habits that no longer served us and one we’d like to bring forward and illuminate. I bought some markers for rock painting, and we had a wonderful afternoon sharing food, laughter, and friendship as we shared these colored markers, sang, danced to old-time music (the 80s), and painted the rocks. We walked to the brook on the side of our yard, threw away the rock we no longer wanted, marked with a recognition of what needed to go, and created vivid designs on the rock that we were keeping as a beacon of love and possibility.
Now that I have stopped imagining what it means to be 80 and reached my ninth decade of life, I realize there are more mountains. I am glad there is more to explore and learn. When I cast my eyes on this side of the mountain, I have no idea what will be, but I see fellow travelers of all ages accompanying me on the journey. This includes you, my friend. I give thanks to love and connection. I see myself engaged in rich conversation and continuing to learn as I enter unknown territory. I feel my body aging, and I see myself maintaining a sense of humor, curiosity, and wonder. I see myself taking a vacation and not worrying about what I’ll do next but focusing on what is possible now.
We won’t meet this month or next, but I will think of you. You might want to ask yourself, what could you let go? What do you want to burnish, shine or celebrate as we participate in the mystery and wonder of life?
I will continue leading the meditation sessions Monday and Friday 8:00-8:30 AM EDT in the US. You can use this link to register: The Center for Mindfulness and Compassion and on Wednesdays at 12:15-1:00 PM EDT in the US. You can use this link to register: The Mindfulness and Heath Institute. Once on their page, click on their red "Select a Date" button to "get your ticket".
I hope to see you at one of the meditations. Have a good summer. I look forward to meeting with you again for our Aging with Wisdom group on Thursday, September 7th, at 11 AM EDT. I'll send out the Zoom link for this group with my blog post for September. If you still need to register for the group and would like to, here's the link. Please forward this email to friends who might appreciate the blog or want to join our group. The more, the merrier!
P.S The image above is from the cherished children's book The Bear Went Over the Mountain as told and illustrated by Iza Trapani.