About 30 minutes before teaching my last class for UMassMemorial on Mindfulness called Mindfulness Tools I realized I couldn’t find my wallet. It was in my purse which I also couldn’t find. The equanimity and calm I do my best to cultivate, especially before I teach, disappeared. Instantly my pulse increased, my heart rate was up, my stomach contracted and my mind was fully absorbed in looking for the bag. I sometimes drop my purse on the floor next to the bed but it was not there. I looked under the bed and in the side table by the bed where I sometimes put it. It was not there. It was not in our car or the pockets of the vest I had been wearing or in my jacket. I don’t always carry a purse. I’ve been using hiking poles for walking to keep me balanced and steady. This means I must either carry a pack or put my wallet, glasses and phone in a pocket to keep my arms and hands free. Two days earlier I went to a performance in a small local theatre without the poles and I thought I might have carried my purse there and then left it. I called the theatre and there was no answer so my husband, also worried, offered to go there and see if he could have someone look for it. Class was to begin in five minutes. I thanked him and instantly felt stupid, guilty and disturbed. It was BAD to have lost my purse and with it my wallet. How could I have done this—again?
David, my husband, has been repeatedly telling me to leave my things in one place. I always nod in agreement and then forget to do so. Sadly I often misplace things, wallet, keys, eyeglasses. Just recently I had to replace my car key. I looked every where and they had vanished. After getting new ones I discovered the original fob a few months later. It was tucked away on the key ring in my day pack. I had looked in the pack before but it was hidden to keep it safe while we were on vacation and not using the car. Remembering this experience contributed to my distress. It confirmed my carelessness and how our memories and our perception of them influences our response to the present.
I felt shame and wondered whether I was developing dementia or am I just chronically absent minded? Either way it was upsetting and I didn’t like it. Now I had to let go, refocus and calm. Stop, Pause, Exhale…and begin class.
I opened the Zoom room for class, noted my heart was beating fast and my respiratory rate was accelerated. I repeatedly tell others that we need to be accepting of things just as they are. It was the last class and I wanted to be organized, cogent and calm and it was currently impossible. “Accept, there is no other choice,” I told myself.
“B r e a t h e…exhale…inhale. ..exhale again. Feel the touch points of my body with the chair. “I followed my own instructions, but my agitation and self-blame did not dissipate. This was too well conditioned to immediately go away.
I looked around the Zoom room at the participants present and saw caring, intelligent, people who, like me, were vulnerable and wanted to feel peace and contentment. ”Everything changes,” I tell people. “This too shall pass. It’s OK to make mistakes.” I remembered the meditation on equanimity that John Peacock, a teacher of mine translated as, “Life is filled with joy and sorrow. May you not be too disturbed by its rise and fall.”
I felt my connection with the class and our common humanity and my mind/body began to calm. This wasn’t about me. We are all vulnerable. We make mistakes and we need to acknowledge them, move on, and be loved and loving.
After I welcomed everyone and thanked them for being present I began class with Metta, a loving-kindness meditation.
“May the pain and sorrow of the world be healed.
May we be safe and protected.
May we be happy.
May we live with ease
May there be peace.”
Pain and sorrow continue to exist in the world but we don’t need to make it worse. As a formal practice ends it is often said, “May the merit of this practice be of benefit to all.” Together we can make a difference. I’d deal with my lost wallet and purse later. What is important is here now.
P.S. After class ended I went looking for the purse again. I made many calls to see if I had left it in places I had been. People were very helpful but it was not found. I took another look around the house, this time with less agitation and it was on the floor in the living room, blending in with our rug, leaning against a chair.
The Aging with Wisdom group meets via Zoom again this Thursday, November 2nd at 10:30 A.m. EST This is an earlier time than usual. We typically meet at 11 a.m. and will return to meeting at that time in December.
Let’s help each other be present so we can name some of the pain and sorrow that we may carry and be at peace. We will do a loving-kindness meditation.