“Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable…
- T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets
I’ve always associated the changing of the calendar year as a time for celebration and when I was single I’d feel badly if I didn’t have a date or something special to do. After I was married my husband and I would meet friends or go out to dinner but I always thought there was a forced gaiety to the occasion. One year we had friends over and made a fire in the fireplace so it would be cozy. It was a good thought but we neglected to open the flu and the house was filled with smoke. Our dear friends were very polite and did not run out of the house as we urged them to do but waited until the new year arrived. Fortunately, this happened close to midnight and we did open the flu but the smoke lingered long after they left. It was a night to remember. I’m not sure that we’ve had a fire in the fireplace since then.
Time feels very subjective to me. When I am meditating each moment feels timeless and there is only the now. I am able to observe the arising and passing of breath, sensations, sound, feelings, mood and thoughts. There isn’t a sense of time unless something arises that I don’t like and then the sitting practice can feel endless as I struggle to “let be” and not fight what is happening. Letting go and acceptance is not automatic but when I can soften into and not fight what I can’t change relief comes and I don’t think about time anymore.
December and January is a time when I am teaching less and my time is more open and less scheduled. It can be an adjustment to not have something I have to do. My sense of time is altered, and I have to be careful not to fill it up with doing but appreciate the space I am given and savor the moments of quiet and peace that are present. I choose carefully my use of time.
My husband keeps telling me that now that we are older and living in a big house it is time to think about downsizing and decluttering the house. I do not think the house is cluttered and I resist getting rid of books and mementos that he thinks should go yet, when I look at all our photograph albums and boxes of old letters and diaries I have held onto over the years. I have to agree it is a lot. I was given a scanner and for a long time I have wanted to scan some of my photos so with the time I have, I decided to go through an album and scan the photos I wanted to keep (almost all of them). Unknowingly, the album I chose was one my father had put together. I hadn’t seen many of the photos and as I took them out and placed them on the scanner it brought me back to another time and place but it felt fresh. Viewing my younger self with my older one brought a different perspective to those times. This older me observed the younger me and marveled at how young she looked and much more attractive than I used to feel. It brought back memories of how annoyed we used to get at my father’s ever present camera. Now I could see it as sentimental and caring. It marked his love for family and perhaps his wish to keep us with him forever. He too had trouble letting go. The photos marked the last two years of my mother’s life and a time when they visited my brother and his young family in California, which was far from where they resided in New York. I found myself touched by the photos and how lovingly my father carefully put them in the album, wrote on some of them with a gold pen, and made real their presence in my heart.
I am now older than my mother when she died, she was 70. My Dad is now gone too. He died at 80, an age I am approaching which added a poignancy to my viewing. I could now appreciate their aliveness and warmth and understand their wish to be close to their children and grandchildren and their sadness at being so far away. I too live on an opposite coast from my brother and his family. We zoom and visit each other but I too would like to babysit my grand nieces and nephews and see them more often. Looking at the photos I could feel my mother’s warmth and her love and her worries. I could appreciate her and feel her vulnerabilities. There was no holding of old hurts or residue of resentments from time past. I could smile at my father, appreciate his spirit, impracticality and creativity. I could understand his reluctance to let go.
A new year is approaching. I like to ask, what do you wish to leave behind and say goodbye too and what would you like to bring forward with you?
I can leave behind that younger self who never felt quite good enough but can appreciate the part of her that quested for meaning and understanding and desired to keep growing and learning. I bring with me a love of family, of people, of learning, and a sense of curiosity about what the next moment will bring. I bring with me memories of people no longer here and adventures I enjoyed but will not be repeated but cherished.
I don’t have any new year's resolutions. I bring forward gratitude for being gifted with love and life. I don’t need to drink champagne but, I toast to you, dear friend and companion on this road of life. May we meet this moment, this day, this year, and this life with love, gratitude, and courage to not know what will come but to know we can meet it and wish each other a HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I hope to see you this Thursday, January 5, 2023 for my free, online Aging with Wisdom Group. Here’s a link to the registration page.