Recently, I watched a video celebrating Joseph Goldstein's 80th birthday. Joseph was one of my first meditation teachers, and I continue to learn from him. He co-founded The Insight Meditation Society (IMS), which was established in the late 70s, and it's been a home for me for many years. I went there to sit in meditation when I was recovering from cancer and each year for ten days to three weeks for retreats. The video reviewed his life and teachings. It was sweet, and I became nostalgic. Joseph reported that he had a hard time wrapping his head around the number 80. I nodded my head in agreement. I'm turning 81 in a couple of weeks and find it hard to believe. When Joseph commented on his age, the video moderator smiled and put on immense eyeglasses studded with rhinestones in the shape of an 80. After the number was seen, she paused, tilted the eyeglass frame, and only the number zero appeared.
Meditation and mindfulness have been a core element of my life, and zero can represent emptiness in Buddhism. This is challenging to understand on a conceptual level. No self, no me or mine, nothing to hold onto or to do: Nothing. Nothing to achieve or obtain. Nothing permanent, "Just this." It's vast, empty, and full. It applies to everyone and everything. It's associated with liberation from suffering, and it brings perspective.
Five reflections in Buddhism are: we all are subject to aging, illness, loss, and death, and we are the repository of our actions and their fruit. There is nothing to hold onto as everything is impermanent. There are moments when I am very quiet, and nothing arises: zero. There is nothing I have to do or strive to be. I feel connected to so much more than me. It reminds me of summertime and floating in a beautiful crystal-clear pond surrounded by the greenery of trees and supported by the expanse of water and sky. There is a stillness…and it simply is…
For years, I have struggled with the concept of emptiness and the dissolution of a self. To not having a self? Of course, I have a self; we all do. My work has been to understand myself and how my mind and body work to create the world as I know it. As a psychotherapist, I have helped others feel better about themselves, and meditation has been a companion on this journey. As I write, I am headed out to spend a week at Omega Institute on a retreat led by Jon Kabat-Zinn, my friend, old boss, and teacher. I will be there with 200 other mindfulness teachers. Experiencing the synergy of this gathering of people dedicated to learning and the relief of suffering evokes excitement, curiosity…and a little bit of anxiety. How will it be? How will I be? Can I remain balanced and present amid memories of the past and concern over the future? Can I be with "just this" among the stimulation of the gathering?
It is challenging to wrap my head around turning 81. I am a senior teacher of mindfulness. Me? I find it almost unbelievable that I have spent over 40 years meditating, teaching, and learning about the relief of suffering. I still have much to learn.
Over the years, I have become more humble, grateful, and compassionate. I am thankful for being alive. I am fortunate to be able to do this work and be with wonderful people such as you. My past will be evoked among the trees, sky, and walkways of Omega Institute. I have been there as a teacher and a student. Much will arise. How fortunate. Learning continues.
In the beginning years of the stress reduction clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, Jon (Kabat-Zinn), the founder, created a workbook. It contained inspirational quotes, one of which was from Albert Einstein. He is quoted as saying,
"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us the "Universe" a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts, and his feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
Life is an adventure. Let's practice kindness, compassion, and connection. I give thanks that we can be together and be curious about nothing and everything. May we all be free of suffering and find peace in "just this."
The Aging with Wisdom Group is open to all. We will meet on Zoom, June 6th at 11 EST, to examine ways we quiet, center, and find our place in these large and challenging conditions of life. Looking forward to seeing you soon.