Many times, as I sit down to write this blog I wonder what to write about. Fortunately, there is nothing BIG happening in my life. Each day I continue to feel grateful—and a little nervous about what could happen. As a psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher, I’ve spent time helping worriers worry less and focus on what is present rather than an imagined future or a past that is no longer here. I am not accustomed to the anxiety that sometimes pops into my awareness that centers on change. I like the fact winter is now becoming spring and I see the crocuses popping up in the neighborhood. I can accept changes in the weather but--me? I forget I am older but then I feel an ache in the body or notice the wrinkles on my face or the fact I have to reach up on my toes to take a dish down from the cupboard because I’ve shrunk a bit. I find it heavenly to go to bed early or have a nap. I appreciate my ability to ambulate and take care of myself even though it takes longer to put on my socks. So why the anxiety? Is it my way of recognizing impermanence and how difficult I find it to contemplate the inevitability of loss?

Change can keep things interesting. It tests assumptions (that what is here now will be around tomorrow). I find I worry, not about myself, but about loved ones. I’ve been recognizing how much my husband means to me and how many things he does for me and the degree to which I depend on him. We’ll have been married 37 years but it still feels fresh, like yesterday, when we took our vows. I remember moving from a small apartment in Cambridge MA to a house in Worcester, MA, and how strange it felt. I remember looking at the other houses on the block and feeling I didn’t belong there. Teaching mindfulness has been continuous but even that has changed. It was beyond my imagination to know that I’d be teaching virtually rather than in person. I even remember the first computer I got, a desktop, and my colleague and I didn’t know how to turn it on. It has always been satisfying to teach mindfulness and combine it with psychotherapy and see how a person’s view of life could change in only eight weeks. But me? I had no idea how mindfulness would infiltrate my view of the world. That I could and would actually be happier and more satisfied with my lot in life—even when illness and death appeared. That meditation and its principles were practical rather than conceptual. Yes, we are ALL subject to aging, illness, loss, death, and the consequences of our actions…and you don’t have to suffer—even me. That is an ongoing challenge, thank goodness. It means I am alive. Staying awake and aware keeps me on my toes and connects me to others, people, trees, sky, earth, and our dog. Daffodils are now popping up and each day I see how they are growing among leaves and snow.

Worry and anxiety remind me of the need to let go, be accepting, SURRENDER to aging, and remember what is important. So last week we ordered a new sofa that’s firmer than our old one and easier to get up from. I wonder how long we’ll be using it and able to stay in our home but I truly enjoy living here. I love our yard and it continues to need care. We trimmed some branches off trees this week. This provides more air and space for the tree to expand and for new branches to grow. I have always wanted a vegetable garden and I’m planning on creating a bed for one and planting some lettuce, kale, tomatoes, and flowers. I’ve never done this before, and I’m excited.

Thank goodness for laughter. Thank goodness for love. Thank goodness everything changes-mind, body, thoughts, and feelings. I see my worry when it arises, do my best to let it be and it does pass. I realize it also serves a purpose and ask myself, what is needed now? What is wise to do to ease these later years? Should we put a handrail in the shower so we won’t fall? Plan a trip while we still can walk? Learn about the resources in our community to age in place? Write this blog and enjoy the reflection it brings and share some of my thoughts and questions with you?

What is changing in your life? Can you acknowledge anxiety and worry and listen to its message but not be submerged by it? Can you experience your aliveness whether you are in a slow-moving line at the grocery store and you are in a rush or you are observing the blooming of a daffodil? What helps you stay afloat and savor the moment as it is, whatever it is, and be all right?

NEXT SESSION: THURSDAY APRIL 6th at 11 AM EST Please register (if you have not already) to receive the Zoom link.

We will continue to meet on the first Thursday of the month at 11 AM EDT on May 4th and June 1st then we will break for summer. There will be no meetings in July and August.